Midnight

What do you think of as you fall asleep?
Some people most likely think of the day they've had, what day it will be like tomorrow. Some others probably wonder simply what they will eat for breakfast the next morning. A few lovesick people may spend the time thinking of the subject of their love, imagine how seeing them the next day will make their entire week.

I can't sleep at night now. I used to be able to; I used to be able to fall asleep thinking of the things most regular people do. It's been about 8 days since my cycle of not-sleeping began. I do get to sleep eventually, but not easily at all. I'm tormented with memories and correct myself when I imagine going back to school with my best friends by my side.

Do you still have a childhood toy you can't sleep without?
I still have him, my stuffed bear whom I named Bear (original, yes?) and even though I have fell asleep with him in my arms for years, he can do nothing these nights except offer comfort from when my tears start to fall. Hard.

All I seem to see is darkness right now. It's to be expected, of course, when the only light in your bedroom is the small, blue flashing circle which indicates your laptop is charging. All I can hear is the rain softly -weakly- pattering on my window. The weather outside at night seems to reflect my mood; sad.

The clouds almost can't be bothered to let rain fall. It's so weak that I can barely hear it because my blackout blinds muffle the already quiet sound of it. Yet, it's still the only thing I can hear.

I can't believe how people have impacted my life in such a way it leaves me without sleep...

You may be sat there thinking "What could be so bad about being 13 years old? Sure, you can't sleep, but it happens to people at one point or another."
but yet again I have more questions for you.

Do you fall asleep wondering if your best friends have let their blood fall yet again? Do you wake up every so often expecting them to be dead?
Whenever you can sleep, do you do so by crying your heart out?
Do you thrash around in your sleep tortured by occasional nightmares?
Do you blame yourself everyday for not telling someone or doing something sooner?

I do all those things and more.
But I can admit it. I can admit everything to a small journal that barely passes as a diary. I can spill my heart out on a blank page. I feel better afterwards, and if it's necessary I will cry too. I won't let my blood fall on a cold, clinical bathroom floor like my friends have.

Did you have trouble sleeping eight days ago?
Did you casually check your facebook app on your phone to see if your friends from other time zones had news?
Did you see your best friend's status?
Did you see that she had moved away without saying goodbye?
Did you cry as silently as you could, trying not to wake your parents?
Did you fear if they did wake, you'd have to tell them everything, even the details you couldn't bring yourself to mention when you told them last time?

I remember having to tell my mother. I knew I had to tell someone. The pressure knowing that my best friends were self-harming, and some outrageous rumours were actually true was too much to bear. I started crying at the most random of times, shouting back with tears in my eyes when I was told off lightly for not washing the dishes.

I remember how my voice was breaking before I even started saying anything. Tears welled up in my eyes and I barely managed to whisper: "Mam, can I talk to you?"
Naturally she said yes, and I told her about everything. She hugged me until I stopped crying and soothed my pain.

I just wished my friends could feel the same.

Do you go to bed praying to God -to anyone that will listen- that your friends can be happy?
Did you ever go to school to find one friend wasn't there, and the other had fresh cuts?
Did you ever read a text saying that your best friend tried to hang herself?
For weeks after, did you watch in horror, confusion and pain as your friend got high off a bad reaction between pills and alcohol?
Have you ever had to face the pain that you might walk alone in school as nothing more than a nerd who lost her friends?

When the summer holidays started, did you know that by the 4th or 5th week, you would be waking up in heartbreaking tears facing the reality that you'd probably never see your best friend who moved away ever again?
Did you possibly suspect that while you were crying at 2am, making a poster of all your memories together, your other best friend was succeeding in suicide while worried friends frantically called ambulances as she didn't respond to their messages?

I woke up that day with one best friend in hospital.
The other halfway across the country.

There was a chance that day would go differently. I could have woke up with neither of them in reach.

I can't sleep now because of all this. If this isn't sadness, I don't know what is...

Yet somehow in an impossibly impossible way, I find times to be happy.
I've never had to feel utter depression because of my optimistic ways.

I have no idea how I think in such a way while my friends slit their wrists, but I do.
I see beauty in ordinary things, as I've been told many a time.

Everyone says my town is awful because of weather and whatnot, but I see a village filled with stunning victorian architecture which cooly meets modern design. And when the sun shines, I love the vibrant colours of the leaves, and the way my feet crunch against the Autumn leaves when they have fallen down the library pathway.

I see beauty in my friends.
So much beauty. But they don't see it.
Maybe now life will treat them better, I don't know how one is faring, but the one in hospital is finally getting the help I was so frustrated over not knowing how to get.

Yet still, I can't sleep. I've said many a time that insomnia is terrible. But it's ten times worse thinking of everything that has happened in such a short span of time.
Being 13 is difficult, but yet again it seems impossibly impossible that I wouldn't change a thing.

The good outweighs the bad.
I just have to wait for the good to begin in my friends and I's lives again.
I want to be able to dance in the snow at 10pm with them again, before any of this happened.

Just writing this now and the tears are spilling over my eyelids.
I have insomnia yet again, but the good memories help.

I've just grabbed my iPod, and the only song I can think of right now is Long Live by Taylor Swift.
It just seems to remind me of them so much. The lyrics just....relate to me in such a way.

"Hold on...to spinning around, confetti falls to the ground..."
I'm instantly reminded of dancing in the snow and running through the rain...
"May these memories break our fall."
I'm finding myself remembering it all, but only the good. The good are the best, the ones I live for.
"Will you take a moment? Promise me this; that you'll stand by me forever."
I can just imagine myself standing in front of them, saying these words. I've found myself singing them under my breath while we're spinning in the snow...
"But if God forbid fate should step in, and force us into the goodbyes."
I feel like if I could go back in time, I'd say these words. Tell them I'd love them no matter where life takes them, or even death.
"If you have children someday. When they point to the pictures, please tell 'em my name."
We've stopped in our tracks in the snow. We all agree we'll be best friends forever...
"Tell them how the crowds went wild, tell 'em how I hope they shine."
I'll only ever want the best for them and their children...

Again I'm crying, but I feel like somehow I'll find away to let them know.
The moment I see my hospitalised friend, I'll hug her and never let go. I'll hitch hike my way to Blackpool if that's what it takes to see the other.

At the present time it feels like I'm travelling down a tunnel, with them. We've just passed the darkest part of the tunnel, and now we're going towards the lighter end.

I'll find a way...