Midnight

What do you think of as you fall asleep?
Some people most likely think of the day they've had, what day it will be like tomorrow. Some others probably wonder simply what they will eat for breakfast the next morning. A few lovesick people may spend the time thinking of the subject of their love, imagine how seeing them the next day will make their entire week.

I can't sleep at night now. I used to be able to; I used to be able to fall asleep thinking of the things most regular people do. It's been about 8 days since my cycle of not-sleeping began. I do get to sleep eventually, but not easily at all. I'm tormented with memories and correct myself when I imagine going back to school with my best friends by my side.

Do you still have a childhood toy you can't sleep without?
I still have him, my stuffed bear whom I named Bear (original, yes?) and even though I have fell asleep with him in my arms for years, he can do nothing these nights except offer comfort from when my tears start to fall. Hard.

All I seem to see is darkness right now. It's to be expected, of course, when the only light in your bedroom is the small, blue flashing circle which indicates your laptop is charging. All I can hear is the rain softly -weakly- pattering on my window. The weather outside at night seems to reflect my mood; sad.

The clouds almost can't be bothered to let rain fall. It's so weak that I can barely hear it because my blackout blinds muffle the already quiet sound of it. Yet, it's still the only thing I can hear.

I can't believe how people have impacted my life in such a way it leaves me without sleep...

You may be sat there thinking "What could be so bad about being 13 years old? Sure, you can't sleep, but it happens to people at one point or another."
but yet again I have more questions for you.

Do you fall asleep wondering if your best friends have let their blood fall yet again? Do you wake up every so often expecting them to be dead?
Whenever you can sleep, do you do so by crying your heart out?
Do you thrash around in your sleep tortured by occasional nightmares?
Do you blame yourself everyday for not telling someone or doing something sooner?

I do all those things and more.
But I can admit it. I can admit everything to a small journal that barely passes as a diary. I can spill my heart out on a blank page. I feel better afterwards, and if it's necessary I will cry too. I won't let my blood fall on a cold, clinical bathroom floor like my friends have.

Did you have trouble sleeping eight days ago?
Did you casually check your facebook app on your phone to see if your friends from other time zones had news?
Did you see your best friend's status?
Did you see that she had moved away without saying goodbye?
Did you cry as silently as you could, trying not to wake your parents?
Did you fear if they did wake, you'd have to tell them everything, even the details you couldn't bring yourself to mention when you told them last time?

I remember having to tell my mother. I knew I had to tell someone. The pressure knowing that my best friends were self-harming, and some outrageous rumours were actually true was too much to bear. I started crying at the most random of times, shouting back with tears in my eyes when I was told off lightly for not washing the dishes.

I remember how my voice was breaking before I even started saying anything. Tears welled up in my eyes and I barely managed to whisper: "Mam, can I talk to you?"
Naturally she said yes, and I told her about everything. She hugged me until I stopped crying and soothed my pain.

I just wished my friends could feel the same.

Do you go to bed praying to God -to anyone that will listen- that your friends can be happy?
Did you ever go to school to find one friend wasn't there, and the other had fresh cuts?
Did you ever read a text saying that your best friend tried to hang herself?
For weeks after, did you watch in horror, confusion and pain as your friend got high off a bad reaction between pills and alcohol?
Have you ever had to face the pain that you might walk alone in school as nothing more than a nerd who lost her friends?

When the summer holidays started, did you know that by the 4th or 5th week, you would be waking up in heartbreaking tears facing the reality that you'd probably never see your best friend who moved away ever again?
Did you possibly suspect that while you were crying at 2am, making a poster of all your memories together, your other best friend was succeeding in suicide while worried friends frantically called ambulances as she didn't respond to their messages?

I woke up that day with one best friend in hospital.
The other halfway across the country.

There was a chance that day would go differently. I could have woke up with neither of them in reach.

I can't sleep now because of all this. If this isn't sadness, I don't know what is...

Yet somehow in an impossibly impossible way, I find times to be happy.
I've never had to feel utter depression because of my optimistic ways.

I have no idea how I think in such a way while my friends slit their wrists, but I do.
I see beauty in ordinary things, as I've been told many a time.

Everyone says my town is awful because of weather and whatnot, but I see a village filled with stunning victorian architecture which cooly meets modern design. And when the sun shines, I love the vibrant colours of the leaves, and the way my feet crunch against the Autumn leaves when they have fallen down the library pathway.

I see beauty in my friends.
So much beauty. But they don't see it.
Maybe now life will treat them better, I don't know how one is faring, but the one in hospital is finally getting the help I was so frustrated over not knowing how to get.

Yet still, I can't sleep. I've said many a time that insomnia is terrible. But it's ten times worse thinking of everything that has happened in such a short span of time.
Being 13 is difficult, but yet again it seems impossibly impossible that I wouldn't change a thing.

The good outweighs the bad.
I just have to wait for the good to begin in my friends and I's lives again.
I want to be able to dance in the snow at 10pm with them again, before any of this happened.

Just writing this now and the tears are spilling over my eyelids.
I have insomnia yet again, but the good memories help.

I've just grabbed my iPod, and the only song I can think of right now is Long Live by Taylor Swift.
It just seems to remind me of them so much. The lyrics just....relate to me in such a way.

"Hold on...to spinning around, confetti falls to the ground..."
I'm instantly reminded of dancing in the snow and running through the rain...
"May these memories break our fall."
I'm finding myself remembering it all, but only the good. The good are the best, the ones I live for.
"Will you take a moment? Promise me this; that you'll stand by me forever."
I can just imagine myself standing in front of them, saying these words. I've found myself singing them under my breath while we're spinning in the snow...
"But if God forbid fate should step in, and force us into the goodbyes."
I feel like if I could go back in time, I'd say these words. Tell them I'd love them no matter where life takes them, or even death.
"If you have children someday. When they point to the pictures, please tell 'em my name."
We've stopped in our tracks in the snow. We all agree we'll be best friends forever...
"Tell them how the crowds went wild, tell 'em how I hope they shine."
I'll only ever want the best for them and their children...

Again I'm crying, but I feel like somehow I'll find away to let them know.
The moment I see my hospitalised friend, I'll hug her and never let go. I'll hitch hike my way to Blackpool if that's what it takes to see the other.

At the present time it feels like I'm travelling down a tunnel, with them. We've just passed the darkest part of the tunnel, and now we're going towards the lighter end.

I'll find a way...

Painted Words

Okay so this is assignment 3 for the previously mentioned competition I'm in!

Basically for this assignment we had to find an idiom, and base the plot around it!

The idiom I chose is: "A picture paints a thousand words"

This is similar to "Actions speak louder than words" because it's saying that what is shown in a picture (for example) can say more about you than the description of you in words.

*confusing time over*

Here is the entry!~

"JENNA!" My niece, Rhona, squealed with delight at the sight of me. Despite her small limbs, she ran with such energy towards me that I was nearly bowled over when she leaped into my arms and planted a kiss on my nose.

"Hey there, stranger! My, my! You've grown so much since Christmas, haven't you?" I giggled as her gold curls bounced in a few nods of her little head. She looked at me with her big brown eyes and nudged me in the direction of the kitchen. Walking in, my boots noisily left an echo as they stomped over the ivory tiles. Hanging in the air, there was the delicious aroma of sugary sweet homemade cupcakes; Lisa's famous decorated cakes which she sold in her bakery beneath the apartment she lived in with her husband and Rhona.

My sister (Lisa) peaked her head around the doorway of her pantry and smiled widely to me. She stepped out swiftly, setting down boxes of cupcakes and brownies on the counter top as she made her way towards me. At the last minute she threw her flour-coated apron on her chair and hugged me (and Rhona, as she had not yet let go of me) as tightly as she could.

"Jenna! Thank you so much for coming! You are literally the best sister in the world -heck, you're a lifesaver!"

She squeezed me, and I watched as a few strands of auburn hair fell out of her already loose bun.

"What are sisters for, Lee-Lee? Anyways, it's always great to see you, Dave and Ro!"

Rhona squirmed in my arms as us adults talked about her bedtime, lunchtime and also my sleeping arrangements. I was babysitting Rhona for the entire weekend, so Lisa and Dave could enjoy a few well-earned romantic evenings together. As Rhona jumped down, I could finally turn my attention to distracting her so Lisa could get ready.

"Well then, Ro! While Mommy gets ready for her date with Daddy, let's decide everything you want to do!"

As I was distracting her, Lisa mouthed her thanks and sneaked upstairs to jump in the shower and try a few outfits on. Eyes glinting with excitement, Rhona repeated; "Everything..?" before listing an extravagant series of games and TV shows she did NOT want to miss.

*******

Over the rest of the evening, fun antics ensued. Rhona and I enjoyed a most delightful tea party with "Mr Fluffles" and "Madam Pink"; also known as her toy bunny and pink stuffed animal. Lisa managed to slip away in the midst of it all, joining David in the car outside. She looked stunning in a violet cocktail dress, the perfect companion to Dave and his dashing suit. I managed to get Rhona to sleep at around 8pm, after I read a section of Horrid Henry to her. It was quite peaceful after that, so I sat down with a cup of tea and a chocolate cupcake to watch the evening news.

Nothing extremely interesting caught my eye, and so I found myself conflicted between wanting to eat the cupcake and not wanting to destroy it's prettiness. It was complete with sugary décor and everything! In any case, I half-heartedly bit into the cupcake and threw all worries if ruining it to the wind.

"Damn, this is delicious!" I thought to myself, as the anchor man introduced the latest, most scandalous celebrity news. Right about then my perfectly happy day came crashing down.

Images flashed up of an ex-Disney Channel actress; Nicola Hart. Except, she wasn't sweet-faced and kind-looking like she was famed for.

Her once chocolate-brown coloured hair was now messy, blue and -disgustingly- had vomit clinging to the strands. She was flipping off the paparazzi, showing an engagement ring (looks like somebody got a bit too drunk in Vegas) and newly-created tattoos. There were five more photos of her sticking her tongue down five different boys' throats, and another of her drinking and taking pills (assumed to be ecstasy pills). The presenter explained she was now facing court and her reality TV show: Heart to Hart was being axed.

In disbelief, I dropped the cupcake in my lap and barely heard the keys jingling in the door. Lisa and Dave stumbled in, with news of their great date. Lisa noticed where I was staring though, and soon became enthralled in the scandalous Nicola story.

"Wait, isn't she that girl you used to play with when we were little?" Lisa inquired.

Yes, Nicola was, but I wasn't so sure who my old best friend was anymore. Because of this I replied;

"Um, I don't think so. I can't say I recognise this girl. Not at all..."

After the news had finished, I listened eagerly to see how their date had went. They had visited Los Angeles for a glamorous night out (as they were up to their necks in money) and had met up with Lisa's friends Joanne and Matthew. Apparently it had all gone well, and they spent the evening in the Venice bar enjoying a meal and watching the nightlife the restaurant offered. I excused myself soon later to go to my bedroom, I had a brief thought of what I wanted to do tomorrow; fix Nicola Hart's life.

*********

The next day, I woke up early so I could drive to L.A. before it was time to look after Ro again. Sandhaven wasn't too far from Los Angeles; where Nicola lived. I knew her address from various news articles over the years, so all that was left to do was arrive, buy a magazine and figure out what the hell I was going to say.

I payed for a copy of OK! magazine, with Nicola on the front (naturally) and then hopped straight back into my little Mini Cooper to track down her and her palace of sorts. At long last, I drove all the way up to her doorstep, threatening to run over paparazzi if they didn't get out of my way. I had an appointment, so getting through the gates was no problem at all; just a minor wait which I couldn't avoid.

Without paying attention to her mansion or the splendour inside, I "checked in" with her manager; Claire. She didn't seem too happy to let me into the house, but she agreed someone needed to talk to Nicola, and that someone was going to have to be me. I marched straight up to her room and at first she appeared to be sprawled across her bed asleep. Nevertheless she jumped to life when she saw me.

"Oh my God! Jenna Atkinson! Is it really you?"

Her voice was filled with excitement which was probably as fake as her boobs. She squealed and hugged me, expecting me to hug her back. She smelled strongly of alcohol and smoke, so I moved away from her as soon as I could.

"Yes, it's me. But don't think I'm excited to see you. In fact, I'm not even sure I know you right now."

Her face twisted, and made her look like a toddler who was about to throw a massive tantrum, although she stayed silent.

"Have you even SEEN yourself in this?" I thrust the magazine in her face and watched her mean grey eyes scan over the images and, briefly, the text. By the end, she shrugged.

"So what? I had fun, something you might want to try!"

I shook off her petty insult easily. I was so angry I could barely see straight.

"Who do you think you are? A superstar, maybe? I don't think so. What I see before me is someone who thinks they're God's gift, and can do whatever they want just because they are famous."

Although I was still seething, I calmed down, relieved that I vented some of my feelings.

All our best memories were coming back to me. They seemed so happy, and radiated a warm glow as if they all happened in a perfect sunset. I remembered having tea parties much like mine and Ro's with a pretty young girl who was the nicest and best person you could ever wish to meet. But then we both grew up. She left to act professionally, and I lived a normal, simple yet perfect life in every way.

The girl in the room before me was not my best friend, and probably could never find herself again.

"I can't help that I'm popular, Jenna."

"You know who else was popular? My best friend. Have you seen her lately? We haven't spoken in about 8 years, and I think I've lost her now."

For once, her pale face showed emotion; sadness.

"I'm your best friend, remember?" She whispered softly.

I was hoping right now I could say the perfect thing to finally make her realise she couldn't carry on this way. I wanted her to realise who she really could be; my best friend again.

"Look, as long as you are Nicola Hart The Celebrity, you aren't my best friend forever. Call me when Nicki shows up, that's who my BFF is."

By using my old nickname for her, I think I was getting to her, helping her; making her understand.

"You can't just renounce fame!"

"It's now or never," I thought to myself.

"But you can renounce being a whore, drugs alcohol and even cigarettes if you put your mind to it. Please save your breath. No matter what you say, a picture paints a thousand words. Get help and tell me when you find Nicki, because you aren't Nicki right now. Maybe I'll listen when you are."

Finishing my speech, I flushed red, feeling awkward. I grabbed my bag and rummaged around for my keys, and walked out of her room so I could walk back into my perfect life with Lisa, Rhona and Dave.

Bambi!~

 

Assignment Links!~

Here's the links to my previous assignments (saves making 2 new posts) but for assignment 3 and then on, I'll be posting here!

Assignment 1 ~Malicious Love~

Assignment 2 ~Let Me Sleep Forever~



Hey!~

Hi there!

I created this blog so I could link my writing assignments somewhere other than LiveJournal (there's a limit of journal entries over there :P)

Right now I am currently apart of this writing competition, hopefully I won't get eliminated! xD

Anyways, I think soon there'll be another small writing game I'm apart of, but I'm still waiting for my turn!~

Bambi~